Love and Pain a Story

I am aware that many of us have been through so much in our respective lifetimes. Some have endured things others could never imagine themselves handling. I have written a semi-fictional story that entails a man's search for love and the pain he has come to know from it. One woman in particular is the main focus, though his journey has seen him through many relationships. Just because the main character is a man it does not suppose that this situation couldn't easily be reversed. In fact I have heard more stories of woman in this position than any other; perhaps that is because men are too proud though. Anyways the purpose is to let those of you who can relate know you are not alone.

I am in my own prison; I have built these walls up around me from the beginning. (Ryan Owens 2005)

You search your entire life for that one special someone, the one, who will strengthen you in your weakness. One who will see past all your faults and still love you, not for who you might be, but for who you are. It seems an endless quest though. I have been through so many relationships I have become numb. I always find myself asking, "Why does it never work out," and always wondering if true love is only a myth. You end up in a relationship you think is right, so you get married and have a child. Only too late, you realize it could never work out. You cheat, she cheats. It is a vicious cycle. You find yourself to be the cause of pain, and also the bearer. Then it's over. Years pass and loneliness becomes the norm. Though you still search, it is with doubt and more meaningless relationships come and go. Finally you become so disenchanted you stop looking and settle for whatever is there at the time. Even though you are unhappy it is better than being alone.

And that is when she comes back into your life; you met her once long ago. There was always something powerful there, but circumstances were against it. As, you quickly realize, they are now also. Yet, there is this strange connection, beyond anything you have experienced before. It is not Lust; you're all too familiar with that. No, this is something else indeed. This is not a figment of the imagination. When she looks into your eyes, you completely melt and the numbness you've known for so long vanishes in an instant. That whole night all you can do is steal glances in her direction, hoping your enduring looks will not be discovered by the one she is with. Then somehow, the two of you end up alone, and you discover to your amazement that she too feels that connection. As if you were drawn together by some strange cosmic power.

In that moment you find a glimmer of hope, that perhaps it does exist after all. Though you know you must be deluding yourself, for she belongs to another. How could this be true love? You step back because you don't want to be the cause of pain in her life. You don't want her to go through the things that you have. The night passes into the next and you feel the numbness returning. You tell yourself, "that it is ok," because at least it is familiar. Then one night she calls, and it starts. It is so subtle at first but by the time three in the morning comes you know that you are hooked. Every night for three weeks this goes on. Then she says you two should hang out. Your heart leaps inside your chest for a chance to see her again and though you know what is at stake, you agree.

The sight of her brings you such happiness and desire. Like the world was only black and white before, and now you can see in color for the first time. You talk and have a good time. Soon though, the atmosphere changes as does the conversation. You feel drawn to her and before you know it your lips on hers. Fireworks, the whole world fades and there is nothing but that moment. Even your heart stands still. You know in that moment that you are undone.

Of course, it only grows and soon you realize that you are madly, head over heels in love with this person who is committed to another. There is no denying it and you wouldn't change it even if you could. Then she says to you one day "I am so in love with you." WOW she feels it to. You can't believe it. What about her husband though? You feel so rotten inside, and that is something new also. What a strange mixture of emotions, love and disgust. There they are though.

Weeks have turned into months, and you are in the midst of a full blown affair. She comes to see you everyday even if it is only for a moment. You tell yourself that as long as she is in your life it doesn't matter. Though the longer you are with her the more your feelings grow and soon the moments become less then enough. You are filled with envy because her husband is taking up all of her time. You start to wonder if she really does love you, or if she is only playing games with your heart. Maybe to her this is just exciting, having two men at her every whim.

Those thoughts disappear though when you see the way she looks at you. There is so much that she does that boasts of love, so how can you not believe her? It is not as if she is using you. You have nothing more than yourself to offer. So you hold on to the belief that she loves you and that soon she will leave him. She says that it is you she truly wants. She just needs time to tell him. "Yeah, time?" You think to yourself.

Then once again she leaves, to go home to him. Everything in you is screaming to tell her not to go though. "Ask her to stay," your heart says but you do nothing even though you know you cannot endure this much longer. You just watch her walk away so elegantly, each step full of grace. She turns to look at you and there is a look of utter devotion in her eyes that says she is yours. Her mouth forms the words but you are so mesmerized by her eyes, that you don't even hear when she tells you, "I love you." She kisses you and then gets into her car and is gone.

You feel your heart fall into the pit of your stomach and you almost feel sick, because the emptiness she has left in her wake. You come to realize that it could always be this way. She might never leave him. You feel the anger and jealousy rise inside of you at the situation you have put yourself in. No matter how convincing she sounds, there will always be something holding her back; some event, some crisis, some silly excuse or another, always keeping her there.

So you ask yourself, "Is it possible to see past your own hopes and desires, to see the truth for what it is?" For it is clear to those not caught up in the midst. How much of your life are you willing to give up on a dream? How much time are you going to sacrifice before you realize the promise will never be fulfilled? Perhaps it is easier to deal with the loneliness then it is to face the fact the one you were truly meant for will never be yours, at least not in this life. How long are you willing to suffer this heartache instead of letting go and moving on?

I mean really, what do you do when the one you love can't tell the people in her life that she is in love with you? Do you just hold on in hopes that someday soon the lies will disappear? What else can you do?

Now you might be asking yourself, "Is this guy a fool?"Of course I am but I have seen my life without her and it is dark and empty, my friends. For the first time in my life, I have found a measure of happiness that I never knew existed. For when we are together there is nothing in this world that can compare. I have never felt so free to be myself, and how can you measure the importance of not needing to keep up the façade? How can I give that up?

I know that I am her most hidden secret, and that she dare not tell a soul. It is true though that my heart breaks anew upon every reminder of that fact. I don't know what to do though, for she alone holds the key to my heart and my mind can focus on nothing else.

This work while having some references to my life is mostly fictional. (At least that's my story) If you can relate or even if you cannot, please feel free to leave a comment. The fact is though many of us, at one time or another, has loved someone we ought not. The second fact is we do not choose who we come to love. There is no guideline to live by when it comes to a person's feelings. I am not infallible nor is anyone on this earth, and while I do not condone every choice I've made, I must live with them. That is not grounds for judgment though. I do not have the right to cast judgment nor does anyone else. So for those of you whom, like me, have been in love with someone that is "unavailable" know that you are not alone. Life is too short to deny love. Remember I am speaking of love though NOT lust. Find some way to be happy and enjoy this life. It is but for a moment.